Troy gave me an electronic picture frame - I can hear you now...A What? How can a picture frame be electronic? LOL I placed pictures of you, mom, Troy, Clayton, Amanda in it as well as some of the family when we all gathered together that last time.
My favorite picture is the one I took of you with you wearing camouflage hat, glasses and you gave a two thumbs up. It showed me your courage even when you felt your worst. And when I need encouragement it seems that is the one that always seems to be up when I glance at the frame.
If I only had half not even half just a finger tip of that courage and strength you showed throughout your illness...no that's not right...you showed your whole life, then I would be alright.
The picture I took of you standing by the tree in our back yard with your hand against it just came up. I LOVE THAT PICTURE!!! You look so good in the white cowboy hate. I have that hat hanging over my bed now.
I took the kids to school this morning and as far as I know, I don't have any other plans for the day. I have been thinking about working on my book, but when I do I remember all the times I worked on it and I could have been spending that time with you. I wish I could take those moments back.
You know Dad, even though I knew you were ill and that the cancer would eventually take you away from us I never thought you would really die not even your age made me believe that could happen. I know I knew it would happen one day, but it was always so far off in the future. Do you know what I mean?
Now I go to work - I found a job, not only one but two - I will tell you more on that in a few minutes, but first I better finish my thought before I forget. - now what was I saying...oh yea. LOL. I go to work and I think about you whenever I see a sympathy card - mom as well - and I think how I always new that if I ever needed a safe place to go or just needed anything that you would be there. It was a natural thing to think and feel and know.
Now that you are gone I realize how much I took that thought and feeling for granted - the picture of Mom and four of us older kids just came up. You remember our passport picture. We were going to meet you in Germany.
Why is it Dad that you only realize what you had and how very much you love what you had is gone? You think I would have remembered that since losing mom. I guess as life goes on you tend to get use to things as they are. There will always be that empty place inside you, but life without the one you love becomes routine.
I doubt that will be anytime soon for me or any of us. You were our rock, our strength, our guide in what is right and wrong. That will always remain true Dad. We just have to find another way of finding that in you/us.
When I see pictures of you, I can still feel how it felt to wrap my arms around you in a hug and strength of your arms as you wrapped them around me. I close my eyes and I think I can still get that again, all I have to do is walk into the other room, but reality slaps me in the face and I remember you are not in the other room or out in the garage and you never will be again.
The day I kissed you on your head in goodbye and watched them load your body into the back of that vehicle ended those days for me - for us all. So, maybe my way of keeping that feeling that you are not really gone is by doing this...writing to you. It's a way that I can still feel close to you and not hurt others by always talking about you or getting a I heard this all before look.
O.K. About my job. I have two or at least I will starting January 31. I work for Hallmark again - part time - just four or five hours a week, but the last two weeks I have gotten eight and this week I get more. They have inventory. I work Tuesday 1-5 and Friday 5pm to 2am. Yea, not crazy about the hours, but at least it's hours.
On the 31st I will go for Orientation for Cabellas. It's a sporting Good store, but I'm sure you already know that. Troy loves that I will be working there! LOL
I know you're thinking, I don't know beans about sporting equipment. That's why they are sticking me on the switchboard. LOL Yea, just where I need to be...On the phone talking. LOL I will be getting a good start up pay and hopefully it will be full time with me being there when they open.
Where will it be located? Oh, behind Comcast. I will need to have Troy show me how to get there one day so I don't get lost on my first day. that would be a good first impression, wouldn't it?
Well, Dad I guess I should get busy doing something, not sure what, but something.
I miss you so much.
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Love you,
April
